Goodbye Dishwasher Detergent!

Hello sodium carbonate, aka washing soda!

I've been gradually experiment with simplifying my household and personal products, going homemade where I can.  It's so exciting when I find that I've demystified another product and find I can concoct my own with a few simple ingredients.  The latest discovery has been with dishwasher detergent, after poking around the internet and seeing that most of the recipes contained washing soda, something I wasn't familiar with.  After reading this article, I went to the local hardware store, and got me some good ol' washing soda -- not without confusion about what it was from the store clerk who asked me what I was looking for.  With a tablespoon of washing soda and about a 1/2 tsp of citric acid into the detergent compartment, like magic, the dishes came out fantastic, better than the natural detergent that I've been using!  Couldn't believe it -- it's that simple.

So, people, who needs petroleum chemicals to get your dishes clean when you basically just need some sodium carbonate?  






 

That Should be a Disaster, Right?...

No!

I was poking around on Facebook and noticed a post an old friend made of following her dream working in the makeup world.  She just bought a house with her new husband, and from her super positive attitude, she's doing fantastic.  Growing up, my mom hated that she was my friend because at the time she was considered an "bad influence":  she didn't get good grades, she had an abortion at 15, got in fights, hung out with "gangster" types.

So that was supposed to be a disaster recipe, right?  This example shows us an astounding no!

Lately things that have been inspiring to me are stories like this that show how outrageous possibility is.  That really, things are so open and people have been able to do wild things with their lives that I was always taught only happened to the few, so I'd better just do what I'm supposed to.  Maybe now that I've seen plenty of examples of assumptions disproved, I'm having some kind of midlife resentment crisis. 

Because I was the one who did what I was supposed to, and did what I was supposed to well!  And compared to those who did not fare well in that test of childhood -- I'm kind of the disaster!

Girl who had a kid in High School -- now a PhD.

Almost every person I secretly felt bad for because I thought they were destined to a lonely and awkward life -- most are literally or practically married.

So, what do I, or anyone who ever conveyed some kind of recipe for life to me, know about how to successfully lead a life -- not too much apparently.  And it is refreshing.  All those "mistakes", wrong roads, or genetic dispositions weren't the disasters they were supposed to be, at least not necessarily.

People are doing incredible things on the internet, and not just cat videos.  My neighbor is writing a book.  Technology is opening up the world, where we can share and create beyond the rat race we were primed for since we were kids.   

The question is, now that I'm noticing more and more outrageous possibility happening, what do I do with it?  I feel almost paralyzed.  Inspired but paralyzed.  For now I guess I'll dabble from the outside and sit dumbfounded.   

Cheers to this outrageous world.  

No 'Poo

Using more natural products usually come with some kind of adjustment period.  When I switched to more natural brands of deodorant, it took a few weeks of doubt, but after an awkward period of having to re-apply during the day, found that I could use the natural stuff just like the "regular" stuff.

The fact there is this adjustment period where I'm assuming the body is adjusting to not having to overreact to harsher chemicals, or actually detoxing, seems reason enough to move over to using more natural products as possible.  I'm always a little shocked what we will do for vanity, or for certainty.  People are willing to keep using possibly harmful products simply because they won't put up with any kind of period of time where their image or smell may vary.

So - Shampoo

I mentioned in an earlier post that a lot of the experimenting I'm doing now was opened up because of the question of shampoo.  I was using a castile soap based shampoo from Bubble and Bee since October, which helped me along a fun learning curve.

One new concept is compensating for hard water (even if your water isn't that hard) with baking soda.  I've found it easiest to put a spoonful of baking soda in a bottle with water and have it in the shower, and pre-rinse with it before using soap on my hair.

The second concept is of an acid rinse that is used after rinsing out soap.  After cleaning your hair, it will feel rough because the scales of your hair raise when exposed to an alkaline.  This is easily remedied with introducing acidity back to your hair, which will make the scales lie flat again.  The most common one is diluted vinegar, but the vinegar smell does linger in the shower (but actually does not linger on you after your hair dries).  If you live with other people, and if you aren't mad at them, there is another option I found super easy.  I found I could use Citric Acid (the link takes you to where I purchased a bottle of it from Amazon.  I'm sure that now I know I like it, I can find it for cheaper, but this was a good size to try this out).  A tablespoon per quart of water in a bottle works fine.  I'm sure everyone is different, and more likely, everyone's water supply is different, so you know it's working if it makes your hair feel slippery while pouring the acid rinse through your hair. 

I do like the Bubble and Bee shampoo, and really appreciated the information it comes with.  You can also email the owner with questions.  The kind of small businesses you want to support.  After awhile of using it, I noticed that in the morning, my hair wasn't as oily as I was used to.  The routine is:

1.  Baking soda pre-rinse
2.  Add Castile Soap of some kind, then rinse out
3.  Acid rinse, then rinse out

Seriously, it's not more work than your usual routine. 

So, I started alternate using that when I was really oily, and using diluted Dr. Bronner's (in a big foamer bottle which I use for shower soap).  Sometimes I just would use the diluted Dr. Bronner's for my bangs, if it looked like that's all I needed.  No matter how much or which soap I used, I always started with the baking soda and ended with the acid rinse.

I'm noticing, after a little more than 2 months, that I'm needing to use less and less soap.  When I wake up in the morning, my hair isn't nearly as oily as I'm accustomed it to be.  So, maybe I'm getting closer (not that I feel like I need to), to this whole "no 'poo" thing.

There something nice about this balance that is happening -- that I'm not dependent on shampoo to not look like a homeless person after 1 day, and that maybe not even how my hair is "naturally" anyway.

It's a nice reminder that maybe I don't have to buy what they are selling, and puts into question what things do we really need. 

 

Realizing False Assumptions - Finding Gentleness

How do we really follow our heart?  When I say I’m looking to change things in my life, naturally the question arises, “so what do you want to do?”  I realized that I dreaded asking myself what I really wanted, because when I asked my heart, I was met with an empty void.  Had I ignored those natural tendencies for so long that I can't find them anymore?  Have I been simply doing what I was "supposed" to be doing for so long that those yearnings stopped speaking?  I know I want change, but to what?  Somehow it seems ridiculously simple, and yet perfectly elusive. 

How do I get that communication with my heart back?  I thought maybe I should simply not do that much, really, and see if anything in there starts to speak.  I've been careful to limit my activities over the past few months beyond having to go to work, and what tasks I do do beyond this, try to do only when inspired to do so.

My natural tendency is to be "a good student" in life:  being responsible, doing what is expected of me, etc.  While this tendency perhaps causes better personality traits on the whole, this has been a barrier for me to listen to my heart.  I've been so busy doing what I felt like I was "supposed" to, some kind of low-level anxiety piles up and it's hard to find genuineness.   

These are some basic and false assumptions I realized I was making on a very fundamental level when analyzing the little decisions I make in daily life:

False Assumptions

Assumption 1:  That I am not worthy.  I know I've grown up with a put-up-and-shut-up mentality.  I remember it being constantly conveyed to me that I should not think well of myself firstly, because if I do, it leads to being ungrateful.  This usually shows up as thoughts to myself that I'd better not think about change, because neither did I deserve to, or that somehow I owe it to everyone else to stay put.  These are all the little thoughts and actions to martyr yourself.     

Assumption 2:  From this mentality, there comes the conclusion that you aren't worthy, so you don't deserve anything you do have.  I'd better grovel for anything I have and be perpetually indebted to everything around me.  This is all that work-related anxiety and maybe one reason we find ourselves spending our "free time" at obligation after obligation that we may not enjoy. 

Assumption 3:  This leads to some kind of theistic belief, even if it is very hidden.  Since being a martyr is rewarded in our culture, accumulating a life of non-satisfaction must mean something.  It must count somehow.  I think even the most atheist person may have some subtle hope in some external scorecard -- call it what you want -- "God", "the Universe", "energy", it's all some hope in an external recognition.  I was surprised to uncover a very hidden and embarrassing hope in something that could see my martyrdom and would someday deliver me into a life I deserved.  This very subtle belief that I even hid from myself, even as a Buddhist and all, I think a lot of us carry.  The logic may be shifted, like a secret desire to be "discovered", whether it be spiritually by a guru, talent-wise, or romantically; somehow there is this deep wish to be fully recognized in some manner for the person we hope is behind our facade.

Deep down we know these assumptions are wrong.

This desire to be known for some deep potential within us perhaps is also a sign that deep down we do know that we are worthy people, and that these assumptions are false.  People may flock to be in the presence of a more enlightened being, who they hope will then notice and single them out and validate their specialness.  

When I realized that this little cycle happened with me, resentment seeped in.  Some feeling that somehow you've been lied to.  These assumptions are powerful, and can twist your logic about how you conduct yourself in life and how you relate to any sense of life having potential.  When you glimpse what is going on, and realize that the world is full of possibilities, and sometimes outrageously so, when perhaps it was always conveyed to you that this was not the case -- you feel a little duped, and a little cheated in some way, even if all the people who wrongly taught you knew no better.  Time has been wasting, and now after all this time living with false assumptions, I have to almost undo all this damage that has accumulated through the years.  

So, while there is a release of built up resentment that perhaps how I was taught to relate to the world, there is also a deep relaxation that begins; finally maybe not doing things just because I'm "supposed" to, or out of what actions I should take because it's what people would expect of whatever position I'm in.  I really don't have to apologize for my existence.  In some twist, this feeling of unworthiness can also be seen as some kind of narcissism -- that we are so important, and since we don't live up to some bloated sense of ourselves, perhaps this strange masochism happens.  I just say this because there is complex logic underneath these false assumptions that must have been such a good story, since we so deeply hold on to it.  This unwinding of all that perhaps can be a nice "getting over yourself" in some way as well.  There can be this strange self-importance to not allowing yourself free time, even while thinking you aren't good enough for it.   

Through this downtime, I think I've been learning about having the confidence to hold back on tasks until the time feels right and there is more inspiration around that action; a being more gentle with my mental to-do list, I guess you could call it.  I don't have to rush through things just to get them done, because there will always be more that can be done.  Little things, like taking care of myself better at work in the most mundane of tasks; this might sound ridiculous, but for instance, not constantly postponing water and restroom breaks because I'm in the middle of a project.  This relaxation isn't about totally "flopping out" at all, even if maybe you have to go through a phase of that to get a feel for genuine gentleness.   

All this can lead to treating yourself sustainably and sanely, which can then reflect to treating your world likewise.    

Gettin' a little Crunchy

Realizing I mystified products I buy

With the mindset of being both frugal and trying to go for more natural products, buying shampoo was always kind of a pain -- natural products were expensive, I found a lot of them to not really work, and then I would look at normal cheapo brands and think, "I mean are they really that bad?"

I finally got inspired to Google around and found a whole crunchy world of people who either don't use "shampoo" at all or use soap-based "shampoo".  I felt so silly realizing I had no idea how people cleaned themselves before the invent of petroleum based products.  From this research, the gist I got was that what we typically use as shampoo is a detergent.  The advantage of this was that it works no matter what kind of water you have (soft or hard), but, in order to compensate for perhaps removing too much of the oils on your head, you have to use conditioner.  

Soap-based "shampoo" 

Back in the day before petroleum-based detergents, people used soap to wash their hair.  Soap cleans, but doesn't just suck away all the oil like detergent, and since it's alkaline, it does cause the scales on each hair to lift, causing a roughness.  Rinse after with something slightly acidic, and it smooths the hairs out.  Whoa!  The only problem is that perhaps now that many of us may have hard or somewhat hard water, which causes the whole soap-scum thing, it may make it harder to clean.  Are you having flash backs to all those soap-scum ads from TV like I'm having right now?  I suppose we were all taught to fear the soap-scummingness of anything, so wonderful detergents were invented to make that a non-issue.

So, I read about a lot of people going  no "poo" and about using soap "shampoo".  Both these require some detox period and experimentation.  I ended up buying some soap-based shampoo online from Bubble and Bee, which comes with instructions and what to expect, along with an empty bottle for the acid rinse.  There is also the hard water issue, but which is easily compensated for with using baking soda with the shampoo.  Making rinses becomes a mini experiment in the kitchen -- diluted vinegar, lemon juice, or I've found it easy to use citric acid.

From Going Natural to DIY

The results of this experiment were surprising.  My hair now behaves differently than what I'm used to -- it got a little curly and became softer.  Somehow researching all this and concocting the simple rinses in the kitchen somehow brought about a curiosity about the other products I mystify.  I think I created some image of how people used to do things -- that because they didn't have these commercial products they lived like cavemen or something.  How could you just make your own stuff... isn't it really technical and complicated?!  I experimented with making lotion and deodorant, and realizing a lot of our personal care products are made out of pretty much the same ingredients and that it doesn't take a chemistry lab.  Something about that tiny realization maybe added to an already increasing skepticism about little things I take for granted about life, but aren't actually true.  You know, along the lines of, hey, the people who "run" the world may mostly make up people not much smarter than me; realizations that take away this veil of mystery over parts of my life and the world that I thought I wasn't either good enough for or not (insert any adjective) to understand.  Maybe this is just a small bubble popping in the life of assumed consumerism.                       

Back to Basics

I'm home on the deck, enjoying the sun and having no plans this weekend.  The past few years have been so busy -- work, of course, meditation practice, and my involvement with my local Shambhala Meditation Center.

Last May, Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche was here in the Bay Area for a major event, and I was very involved in my role within the Dorje Kasung.  The event was about Creating Enlightened Society, and looking at what we are doing with our lives.  After the Sakyong left, I had some quiet -- my responsibilities slowed down, and I was able to not really do much outside of work for some time.  My cell phone stopped ringing and I didn't feel anxious about what I should be doing.

Something about all this made me reflect a lot.  I think for the past few years, my spiritual and leadership paths within the Shambhala community have been great, but I realize that in a subtle way, I was using that to not really look at what I want to do, how I'm actually living.  (This is actually what the Shambhala teachings keep saying in the first place.)  As long as my energy and efforts pointed towards these spiritual paths, I felt that it was worthwhile.  There was a small bias; that life outside Shambhala was less worthwhile, and that whatever I did that was directly involved within Shambhala was superior.  For awhile I thought the ultimate thing to do would be to move to a Shambhala land center, so then my work and all my practice could be integrated within this vision.

Doing all this may have burnt me out.  I've been growing disappointed in those I admired, but it has allowed me to look at myself and release some of the anxiety I always had to do as others thought I should be doing.  This new space is a great way to explore not operating out of anxiety, but to truly explore what it might be that I'm interested.  Because since I was little and going along with what I was supposed to do - get good grades, be practical and sort of martyr myself, I've turned that part of my brain off for so long -- not acknowledging what I actually want but plowing ahead with what I was supposed to -- I actually have no idea what I actually want.

Somehow, though, when I had some space, a newly found interest in my life outside of this increased.  Curiosity about what my goals are, and a desire to regain my bodily energy emerged.  In the past I had all kinds of activities.  I used to hike, do yoga, hoop, Nia, dancing, all that.  It's great, but there was some kind of addiction there in some way -- so in dropping all that while thinking that my spiritual path was the ultimate way to spend my time, it was beneficial to let myself go in a way.  I used to get anxious if I wasn't doing something, so while yes, moving the body and getting exercise is so good for you, there was something embedded in my mentality around it that maybe wasn't completely healthy.  So, while yes, now I should revisit health through movement, it was beneficial to get over something.  Maybe there was always some goal-oriented nature to all my activities, so letting myself get out of shape and coming back simply for the sake of doing it, and not about achieving anything, was a healthy step. 

I think all this is a discovery into gentleness.  I always had a habit of biting the skin around my nails out of nervousness, so then I learned a little bit about giving yourself manicures at home and learned how to care for my hands so that they actually look nice.  It has deterred the biting of my fingers by a lot.

I started reading the Mr. Money Mustache blog, which my boyfriend had heard about and thought I'd enjoy.  It's been refreshing to contemplate an actual money-oriented goal (at least based on this site), which is to really save a lot by living cheaply in order to retire early.  Sure, I'm not sure how extremely I will follow this mindset, but I'm finding it a refreshing and possibility-oriented.  If nothing else, it inspires me when I fall into negativity.

I'm becoming more careful with my time and really enjoying being home.  I do thrive on large amounts of solitude.  I used to want to improve that, thinking it was a flaw, but I'm discovering maybe a little bit about what the Sakyong has been talking about all this time, about Basic Goodness and discovering this within ourselves.  There is also the Dorje Kasung motto:  Victory Over War -- basically the war within.  If we allow ourselves to be, we can stop this war.
 
  

and more transition

Been busy busy, what else is new, eh? Between Shambhala, night class, and work, I've been running around like a chicken. I'm realizing I hit an edge though. I went to Colorado to the Shambhala Mountain Center in August to do 2 weeks of meditation. I thought I would get sick of having too much space, thought that was supposed to happen, that I'd be bored to agony, but actually I felt some of the busyness that I surround myself with follow me there. It was really good to have to deal with it though, and have to begin to learn how to say no in that protective environment and acknowledge when I overextend. I got to meet some cool people and got to just sit a whole bunch! I've been taking all these classes and programs that talk about meditation, lots of talk and not much practice, so it was time to just get on my butt and sit!

So upon my return, I felt overwhelmed by all the stuff I was coming back to. I thought that nothing really "happened" during the retreat, but coming back was pretty shocking. I really can't keep up with it all anymore.

I've stepped back. I'm taking a Physiology class at nights right now, and though I'm doing pretty well, it's not fun anymore. I miss the free time to dance and move. So maybe I just need to focus back, because it doesn't feel right to keep going like this. So what if I don't really have "direction" like direction should look like? But I'm really glad I learned what I did and that now I have a foundation of prerequisites.

All the busyness has brought some cool changes though:

1. I MOVED to MARIN to live at Kurt's! Holy crap. I thought it would be more traumatic, moving beyond the borders of my long beloved sanctuary of San Francisco, but I'm liking it here. We've got a deck, and it's so nice sitting out there on a quiet afternoon. It is beautiful here. I've got parking and there is laundry downstairs too -- and maybe it's a sign that I'm getting a little older, but I think I appreciate that a lot more now than I would have a few years ago! Cohabitation has been nice. It's less overwhelming sharing the effort to feed ourselves and function. And it's good to have to really work with someone, and work with all the things that would be left hidden if I was by myself.

2. I'm now doing mostly the office management stuff at work now. The shift is a little strange, since I'm going from the technical side to what feels like the stereotypical "girly" stuff, and of course it's got it's own types of stress.. but in general it seems less stressful, though maybe more busy in a way. I think I was tiring out of what I was doing before.. now I'm learning a whole other side of things.

I'm just waiting now for my Physiology class to end in December, and then I can go back to putting my energy into other things. So even though I feel like the lack of movement and the added stress really bummed me out... well I tried that avenue and know that's not quite it. That's a relieving feeling owing up to that.

Gracias a la Vida

Heard this song on NPR the other day, thought I'd share it and the translated lyrics below. It's so bittersweet, wow. I've been so caught up in my own concerns lately and being doubtful of what I'm doing in life right now, if I'm spinning my wheels and so forth. So this get me to look up past my junk for a bit and reminded me of tenderness I've gotten to witness so far, and how heartbreaking and precious that is.



Thank you to life, which has given me so much.
It gave me two beams of light, that when opened,
Can perfectly distinguish black from white
And in the sky above, her starry backdrop,
And from within the multitude
The one that I love.

Thank you to life, which has given me so much.
It gave me an ear that, in all of its width
Records— night and day—crickets and canaries,
Hammers and turbines and bricks and storms,
And the tender voice of my beloved.

Thank you to life, which has given me so much.
It gave me sound and the alphabet.
With them the words that I think and declare:
“Mother,” “Friend,” “Brother” and the light shining.
The route of the soul from which comes love.

Thank you to life, which has given me so much.
It gave me the ability to walk with my tired feet.
With them I have traversed cities and puddles
Valleys and deserts, mountains and plains.
And your house, your street and your patio.

Thank you to life, which has given me so much.
It gave me a heart, that causes my frame to shudder,
When I see the fruit of the human brain,
When I see good so far from bad,
When I see within the clarity of your eyes…

Thank you to life, which has given me so much.
It gave me laughter and it gave me longing.
With them I distinguish happiness and pain—
The two materials from which my songs are formed,
And your song, as well, which is the same song.
And everyone’s song, which is my very song.

Studying up for another Anatomy test. Yes, that is a pretty gnarly class. I'm spending some time at my own apartment tonight, which usually happens only a few nights a week it seems. That is by choice of course, but all this homelessness, and all this effort school-wise sometimes leaves me questioning what I'm doing. What am I working so hard for? Am I going in the 'right' direction? I got this apartment thinking, ok, now this is going to be a real home for me for awhile.. but things changed and I find myself elsewhere most of the time. That isn't a bad thing either though. Perhaps I just have to relax and ease into some gentleness.

I've also been doing a lot of Shambhala stuff, helped put on a training level in Berkeley the other weekend. I just signed up to do 2 weeks of meditation at the Shambhala Mountain Center near Denver this summer.

So I've been keeping myself really busy and questioning what I am really doing with all this, because it all seems worthwhile. Cheers then, I should say. A bittersweet nod at tenderness with a sigh...

What makes a relationship afterall? "Things in common" can fade in time, along with most of the rest.. so maybe it's just the natural availability towards tenderness between people. Someone who naturally can bring out a tenderness in you, year after year, who makes you soften... maybe that's the quality that should be emphasized.

Ahh listening to a song over and over, love it, "Come on come on (Dean & Britta Remix)" by Scott Hardkiss.. seemed to go along with the rainy weather and sort of a mellow mindset. Here's some of the sweet lyrics:

so here we are now my friends
gathered together again..
to celebrate bittersweet life
so here's to our struggles and strife

let's make the most of these hours
to time defeats all with its powers
and let's make the most of the dawn
keep on going until you're gone

one day there will come a time
when we all will face our crimes
all the tears that we've caused
to hide our fears and our flaws
gettin' so low and so high
caught between gutter and sky
and we go through all of this
just for the small taste
of bliss....

keep on going
until I'm gone
so come on, come on

each of us breathe in and sigh
we're just along for the ride
and each of us cursed to roam
we can live or go home
nobody else understood
by why'd you think we ever would?
do you think this is how we've planned
we're doing the best
the best that we can...

finding balance

The holidays were a much needed respite after a busy fall and winter. The last months of last year found me really busy with night classes, Shambhala stuff and such. I was stretched a little thin with too many good things :). This year I'm trying to make it my intention to focus a little more, to really do things that I feel a big "yes!" to and shave on the things that are great but that I may not be as enthusiastic about.

Kurt and I headed up to Roseville to see my family for Christmas. I gave into staying at a hotel this time, which turned out to be nice. I got to learn that I don't have to be a martyr and should also make sure I enjoy myself during the holidays! Yes, maybe if I do treat the trip to see the family something I enjoy too, then maybe it won't feel like my obligatory yearly pilgrimage. We also got to visit his brother, who also lives in the area, for a really beautiful brunch, wow!

So - as I ease back into the groove, I'm trying to make sure I take care of myself. Classes start next weekend I think. I'm taking Human Anatomy Friday night and Saturday morning, so even though it'll put a damper on my weekends, it might not be as stressful. It's supposed to be a pretty gnarly class though, so we'll have to see how I balance life with that one :).

No Assumptions

"The essence of warriorship, or the essence of human bravery, is refusing to give up on anyone or anything." --Shambhala, The Sacred Path of the Warrior by Chogyam Trungpa


Spent a quiet Thanksgiving holiday weekend with Kurt. Rented a home off the coast south of Mendocino in the town of Gualala for some much needed respite. I'm pretty busy at work, although the company isn't doing so hot financially. School is great but keeps my personal schedule pretty tight. Busy busy and feeling like the treadmill is running me.

So life has been a little crazy, a little unexpected.. and I ended up back where I started in a way, although it's not the same. Never give up on anyone -- guess that can be true. It's a sweet moment when you can sit next to someone, after the ending, after really being honest, raw in that gap -- being with someone and maybe seeing them fresh after the image of what should be had deflated. That feeling of tender "aw shit". Sitting on the curb after seeing that you are still drawn by that person's presence in that situation with the only natural question that can come with that, "so what now?"

So then Kurt, take 2!

I got to go on a weekend retreat to the Sonoma Mountain Zen Center awhile ago. Interesting to be in that space, even if it was a Shambhala event. The staff and the ground were saturated with what the Zen tradition is great at cultivating -- mindfulness. For me I felt a little uncomfortable in a way because it felt "tight" to me, but it made me think about what was "genuine" for me. What did it mean to be genuine? I think that a quiet, more mindful atmosphere isn't "me", but then what is that about? Anyway - it was really healthy for me to explore being a little "tighter", with practice and outside.

PITTSBURGH! I finally made my way over to Pennsylvania to visit Jen and Richard while they are over there. I got to get a taste of what sportsmanship really is, wow… never saw a population mobilize like that in unison for a sports team. Now I'm starting to wonder though, if I'm the odd one who doesn't get with all this football stuff :). We did though, find the hippie in Pittsburgh! Jen and Richard took me to a wonderful vegetarian brunch where we met this great couple who make slaw for the farmer's market. Real fun meeting friends.

Endings and Beginnings

Life has been pretty Topsy Turvy lately - guess I shouldn't ask for it any other way :). Lots of things happening, and just letting them happen.

Went to Desolation Wilderness on a short girly backpacking trip. I loved that the area had a lot of bare granite, so I could scramble around the rocks barefooted. We found that where we set up camp, people had set up sort of a dining room set out of stones: three chairs and a table made of rock, and really thought out too. This trip was laid back, so on our layover day, we all just laid around and enjoyed our surroundings. It was awesome swimming around and falling asleep on the granite ground.

Visited a Shambhala friend in Davis, who had a plot in a community garden, chickens in the yard and great friends to share dinner with! Thank you!

I started an Intro to Bio class maybe like a month ago, so life immediately SPED WAY UP after that, running after work for class twice a week, but then usually at least on one of the days, I get to drive over to Sausalito and see the usual familiar faces at Sartaj for my hippie fill! Most of the experience of going back to school is completely irritating, but I am learning things, and this is just a prereq for other things that hopefully will not be so irritating. It has been a funny learning experience even just seeing how all this is making me feel. Lisa, if you weren't taking this class with me I don't know what I'd do!

Well, amongst other random crazy happenings, had to let go of a relationship after having to acknowledge that what I was in wasn't what I was looking for.. and for a relatively short stint, it was a lot harder to do than I thought, but the right thing to do. It's strange though, having to make decisions in the black and white, when nothing is really that way. And on the other hand, I'm feeling really inspired and uplifted by spending my time in something that reminds me of what I am looking for.

Ahh, life.. the pointedness of life that pierces your heart.

Backpacking in Lassen!

Suppose it was about time I schlepped my pack on and headed for the outdoors for a few days. A long weekend spent on a Sierra Club backpacking trip was just what I needed. Maybe it's silly to want to spend time out of doors carrying your gear on your back. Self-imposed torture it may seem. There is something about being physical, sleeping according to the sun, and simplifying for a little bit. Your primary concerns become food, water, going to the bathroom, listening to your body, and concentrating on the nature around you.

After meeting up at a developed campsite Wednesday night, we hiked about 10 miles to Butte Lake. It was wonderful to get to go swimming after a long day hiking. We stayed there 2 nights, and then hiked 8 miles to Horseshoe Lake for the final night. We day hiked to a cinder cone while camped at Butte Lake. On the last morning, we woke up early so that we could run off to a local diner to have us an awesome breakfast. We were camped at Horseshoe lake and the sunrise was amazing. Mist was coming off the still water as the sky turned pink. The photo is from that morning. That lake and the river to it were definitely the highlights for me of the trip.

The mosquitoes were pretty intense on this trip, probably because of all the lakes in the area, so we'd retreat to our tents pretty early. Lisa and I decided to leave the fly off the tent until it got too cold, in order to stargaze. So fun gabbing under the stars like kids, screaming when we pretended to see a UFO (actually it ended up being the International Space Station). Waking up at sunrise and falling asleep just after the stars fully come to light - something refreshing about it.

Thanks, Bill, for bringing that printout of those Deep Thoughts from SNL. Practically forgot about those!

"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Time for Reorientation

I haven't written here in awhile...here in this blog, my little exercise I decided to do - to make myself say something and touch bases every so often in a coherent form. Especially now in a relationship, I have to make sure I don't totally fall off the face of the earth. Actually this time I feel a good sense of sanity and balance, and that I haven't disappeared too much :).

I've been spending a lot of time in Marin and life seems to be drifting me up there more and more. Hiking with Lisa, spending time with Kurt, and about to start taking a Biology class at the College of Marin. Work is not totally financially stable, like everything else right now. We're still reducing hours, but I'm hoping to start using my time wisely and take this opportunity for some exploration. So, it's exciting actually, having things shaken up a little. Spending a lot of time in Marin has sort of shaken up my routine of life, and the turn in the economy is giving me a little gap of uncertainty that I hope to exploit.

I'm going on a backpacking trip with the Sierra Club in a few weeks to Lassen, so I've been trying to get myself physically ready to schlep around a 30 pound pack.

Still doing the Shambhala stuff. I'm amazed that I've been a part of any sort of organized spiritual practice for this long. It seems though that this is a common feeling with other Shambhalians -- as I found out when I told someone my surprise I'm still doing this. "We're a bunch of misfits" was his response. I think it's been over a year now and still really with it, even taking on a meditation instructor to meet with every so often to consult as I go. A month ago I completed the first set of trainings, which are about being a warrior in the world. It's about removing barriers between us and our world, letting down our guard, and letting the world penetrate us and break our heart. This is done with a vision of creating enlightened society.

Warriorship is a continual journey. To be a warrior is to learn to be genuine in every moment of your life. -- "Shambhala, The Sacred Path of the Warrior" by Chogyam Trungpa

A friend shared this bit of a poem with me after the last training:

What feelings of sad and precious joy
come across me,
when I see the evenings
weeping softly and mercifully,
as though with the tears of sisters,
then vanishing
like the last breath
taken by pellets of hail

-from 'the evening wine of aged sorrow' Taha Muhammad Ali

"'And thus he has stumbled upon the first of his natural enemies: Fear! A terrible enemy - treacherous, and difficult to overcome. It remains concealed at every turn of the way, prowling, waiting. And if the man, terrified in its presence, runs away, his enemy will have put and end to his quest.'

'What will happen to the man if he runs away in fear?'

'Nothing happens to him except that he will never learn.'"

The teachings of Don Juan: a Yaqui way of knowledge by Carlos Castaneda

Opening my heart

What IS a relationship, anyway? So, POOF, magic, I found myself in a so-called relationship. Interesting. Look what it can bring up inside. It's interesting to see that tendency to want to grasp and the tendency of fear. Ah, the fear of not being loved, of not being good enough. The desire for acceptance. The things we do to demonstrate to someone who we think we are, the qualities at least of what we want them to see. The parody of myself I'm probably acting out. My god and I thought I'd be cooler than this by now :). Think you know yourself and then get into a relationship, and become surprised. Drop my comfortable routine, step into someone's world, try it on, take a step back, and find balance to really spend time with someone. Hmm. But, I think I like it :).

I'm realizing how private I am in a way. That it takes awhile for me to warm up to doing a lot of my own things in front of other people. It reminds me how when I was little, playing with my toys and making them talk, that I wouldn't do it in front of people and wondered how my friends could just really fully play in front of everyone. I almost don't know what to do in the long term presence of another person - how to do the things I do normally, just in front of them. Even shopping is something I feel strange doing with other people, unless they are close friends. Hmm, what is that about, huh? How to hold the tension between the investment of heart and the necessity and health that comes from freedom and space?

I guess the only sane way to handle this, is to just open, as the Buddhists advise. Open to the potential of pain and just give. Just love now, because that's all I can do, right? Last night at a class at the meditation center, the subject of relationship was brought up. One of the instructors said that if we could see clearly, all of our relationships would break our hearts. There is sort of a sadness and such a fragility about it, isn't there? How easily we are all hurt. How we all want to be loved. It's so sweet, and we all try so hard. We try and we want something, and it's never just as we "want", from both sides of the relationship. So maybe there is some disappointment, but there is such a sweetness in that if you can let it go.

So, Kurt, I'm really glad to be opening my heart and my world to you. It's neat that I can try to do this in a more conscious way, and share with you in a unique way, being fellow Shambhala Buddhists and all.

"Mr. Nichols" lyrics by Coldcut

Please Mr. Nichols come back inside the window
I can’t promise you anything, but I trust that there is far greater reason to live
I know you’ve become disheartened and disillusioned by the current state of affairs
Your stocks are falling, your investments have failed you
The man from whom you took orders has been ordered to jail by his and your subordinates
You question what is this world coming to
What is the profit margin when you’re forced to pander to the marginalized
Where’s the glory you dreamt of as a child..
Dressed as a cowboy, your play gun pointed at real targets
Your mother, holding her tongue as your father consoles her with the words..
“it’s just boy stuff”

Well
You joined his fraternity, you grew into his old suits
You acquired his beliefs, you embodied his dreams and with them his oversights.
How long did you think it would last?
It’s just a matter of time.
The world is far from over.

Look...
Your mother outlives your father,
Your sister outlives your brother.
And if you jump from this window today..
She’ll also outlive you.
Look at her, sitting in her midwestern home, tuned into Oprah once again
Today, she learns to meditate on a second-hand couch.
Meanwhile, you stand outside this window
Twelve stories above the ground
One story remaining untold...

You contemplate the setting sun,
Unaware of your disorientation.
Dis-orient: turned away from the east.
The shifting current seems to conspire against you.
Mr. Nichols, you fail to see that you’ve always stood outside of this window, perched on the threshold of oblivion.
Countless man made stories above the truth
For so long you’ve stood facing the setting sun
Mistaking the complimentary unified duality of nature as being right or wrong
Good or evil
God or devil
Mr. Nichols instead of stepping from this ledge into the downfall of your up rise
Why not just turn around
Lessen the intensity of your western glare and face the rising sun
Note the energy swirling from its center
How it illumines us all and only the birds fly first class...

There is your inheritance!
The warmth of a kiss
Invest your tongue into the mouth of mystery
Allow her breath to seep into your lungs and surrender to her touch and guidance
There’s no other way
Your dreams of dominance will only help you forsake yourself
While your family continues its search for understanding
And your daughters outlive your sons...

Birthday

I'm not one for really celebrating my birthday, but yes, I turned 29 last Sunday. I celebrated with a great lunch in Marin followed by an all night Shiva celebration at Amma's ashram in San Ramon. I got Monday off, so why not. A night of chanting, kirtan songs, dancing, chai, and a fire offering. It felt good to not sleep and stay with periods with repetitive chanting, stillness, but mixed with some dancing and talking with people. It felt refreshingly disorienting. More disorientation to make me think, and lots of thinking I've done. At 7 am, I walked out into the dim morning, looking out on green rolling hills, the rain clouds temporarily dispersed.

The culmination of all that, mixed with the searching sparked by India, has been stirring up something. I've been staying up, thinking, writing, probing my feelings. I felt something in my heart come up, a sort of pain, a grieving. I started writing in this emotional state until it welled up, passed over, and I found myself just writing my thank you's to everyone, and it was blurring, as if they were all part of the same person, one friend with a thousand arms, each one giving me a nudge to guide my way.

Auroville Reflections part 4 - freedom

The simple phrase: "you are free." For some reason that phrase really hit something, and I have been thinking about that a lot lately, and somehow lately talking about it I realize some resistance I've been feeling since I got back from Auroville. I think maybe being in that positive and loving environment for awhile made me more sensitive to things coming back. When I hit resistance in conversations and things like that, it affects me more and I can see it better.

Freedom. Free, eh? What does that mean? Geez, just asking about it seems to be getting me in trouble! It must be a very loaded topic indeed, then! Funny that a few years ago, I seemed to have learned the opposite, looked around and thought, wow, look at the webs we fixed for ourselves and around each other. Look at our judgment, how we control other people with it. Look at how we live, how we barely find enough time to even move our bodies enough to stop it from atrophy. Today, I got a chance to do a little dancing and movement in my apartment, and felt the effects of not getting enough time to move for a few days. Afterwards, I look at the windows and felt like my body needed some sunlight. I think of being at work, having to consciously look away from the computer screen and make myself focus on different things around the room to keep my eyes from getting destroyed. Staying up late for my personal reading and learning, to write my communications, movement, and to take time for stillness -- the things I enjoy. Trying to find time for "natural time" seems a little ridiculous. It can be a little maddening. But maybe it's all just in my head... but without that little struggle, then I would not have had to do a little digging and searching for truth. Ahh, so maybe I'm just in the situation I need to be in.

Ahh, so now, I have to find freedom right in the situation I'm in. Freedom... now what does that have to do with joy? In Nia, the first principle is the Joy of Movement, the thought that joy does not simply happen. It's not something that just poof, happens to you. It's something, that at any moment, you can choose, no matter what is happening at that moment. That you can choose joy. You can choose the joy of being in sadness even, to choose to step away and think, oh wow, I feel so sad, this is so sweet! You can pick that kernel and build from there.

I thought it was genius when my white belt instructor, when teaching this concept, came into class and said, "well, today the focus is the Joy of Movement, but actually I feel like crap." She puts on the music, being in a low mood, and says, "oh gee, and I hate this song... turn it up!" and she laughed and played with that, found the joy of hating the music. And after finding that, she built on that, and found joy so that we could see the process of it.

Of course, for anyone who knows me, I LOVE this idea. But "freedom" seems like another animal that I'm still trying to understand. Yes, sure, is it really simply doing whatever you want? Is freedom just the ability to say no... or yes? HMMMM!! :)

P.S. I have been feeling more expressive and open, at least in certain situations, and I'm playing with that... so if I have made anyone feel uncomfortable, or have been "too much" with anything, just let me know how you feel.

Happy Valentine's Day

The Perfect Love Poem
by Chögyam Trungpa


There is a beautiful snow peaked mountain
With peaceful clouds wrapped round her shoulders.
The surrounding air is filled with love and peace.
What is going to be is what is,
That is love.

There is no fear of leaping into the immeasurable space of love.
Fall in love?
Or, are you in love?
Such questions cannot be answered,
Because in this peace of an all-pervading presence,
No one is in and no one is falling in.
No one is possessed by another.

I see a beautiful playground
Which some may call heaven,
Others may regard it as a trap of hell.
But, I, Chögyam, don't care.
In the playground beautiful Dakinis are holding hand drums, flutes and bells.
Some of them, who are dancing, hold naked flames, water, a nightingale,
Or the whole globe of earth with the galaxies around it.
These Dakinis may perform their dance of death or birth or sickness,
I am still completely intoxicated, in love.
And with this love, I watch them circle.
This performance is all pervading and universal,
So the sonorous sound of mantra is heard
As a beautiful song from the Dakinis.
Among them, there is one dakini with a single eye,
And turquoise hair blown gently by the wind.
She sends a song of love and the song goes like this:
HUM HUM HUM
If there is no joy of Mahamudra in the form,
If there is no joy of Mahamudra in the speech,
If there is no joy of Mahamudra in the mind,
How would you understand
That we Dakinis are the mother, sister, maid and wife.
And she shouts with such penetrating voice, saying
Come, come, come
HUM HUM HUM
Join the EH and VAM circle.
Then I knew I must surrender to the dance
And join the circle of Dakinis.
Like the confluence of two rivers,
EH the feminine and VAM the male,
Meeting in the circle of the Dance.

Unexpectedly, as I opened myself to love, I was accepted.
So there is no questioning, no hesitation,
I am completely immersed in the all-powerful, the joyous Dakini mandala.
And here I found unwavering conviction that love is universal.
Five chakras of one's body filled with love,
Love without question, love without possessions.

This loving is the pattern of Mahamudra, universal love.
So I dance with the eighty Siddhas and two thousand aspects of Dakinis,
And I will dance bearing the burden of the cross.
No one has forsaken me.
It is such a joyous love dance, my partner and I united.

So the clear, peaceful mountain air
Gently blows the clouds,
A beautiful silk scarf wrapped round.
The Himalayas with their high snow peaks are dancing,
Joining my rhythm in the dance,
Joining with the stillness, the most dignified movement of them all.

- Chögyam Trungpa, 6 August 1969